Bond Pretitle Sequences: Octopussy
Simon Pitt |
Thursday 25th July
Iâ€™m watching all of the Bond pre-credit teasers one after another.
I feel like Iâ€™ve entered the interminably long section of Roger Moore Bond films. Moore made seven Bond films in total. This is actually the same number as Connery (if you count Never Say Never Again, which I donâ€™t). Somehow, though, it feels like Moore made many, manyâ€¦ well, more.
I misremembered the beginning to Octopussy. I thought it was 009, dressed as a clown, crashing through the window with a Faberge egg, but thatâ€™s the post-title sequence. Itâ€™s a striking and memorable sequence. Unfortunately, though, it comes after the credits, so we canâ€™t talk about it here.
We open on a mixture of Cuban military vehicles and horse trailers. Iâ€™m not sure whatâ€™s going on here. Is this a military base-cum-horse track? I guess the Cuban economy wasnâ€™t great so everything had to double up.
A fat Cuban soldier with a cigar looks down a womanâ€™s top, while Bond, dressed as a farmer disguises himself. I quite like his reversible jacket. I always wanted a reversible jacket when I was little, because I thought they were a fancy Bond-like gadget. Turns out theyâ€™re expensive, and more than a little rubbish.
Just in case his disguise was too realistic, Bond wears a ridiculous little fake moustache and walks into the military base. In a nice gesture, he flicks one the soldierâ€™s uniform for being not up to standard.
In the base is an aeroplane with a weird radar thing in its nose. I may not be an expert in aeronautical engineering, but I donâ€™t think planes really have those. And if they do, I donâ€™t think theyâ€™d make that bleepy noise. There are soldiers everywhere. Itâ€™s a tense scene for once.
Bond walks up to the bleepy radar and does a magic karate chop on the back of the manâ€™s neck. Iâ€™d forgotten about the magic karate chop from the 80s, but it was all the rage then.
For some reason, thereâ€™s a screen around the plane, which helpfully allows Bond to plant the bomb in an open plan environment. Itâ€™s almost like a changing room. But no sooner has Bond planted the bomb than the shield is pulled away and he is caught with his pants down (not literally this time; this is one Bond film without a toilet).
Iâ€™m reminded of the beginning of Die Another Day, where Bond pretends to be the diamond seller. Then, though, he steals the manâ€™s sunglasses. Here the real Toro has sunglasses and Bond doesnâ€™t. Iâ€™d like to think that Bond remembers this going wrong. Then, years later, when he tries it again in Die Another Day he takes the sun glasses because he thinks that if he wears sunglasses theyâ€™ll never find him.
Bond is driven away on the back of a truck, but his lady friend has come to help. She flashes a bit of thigh, and Bond nods over to her. If you were a solider, assigned specifically to guard a prisoner and he pulled a face like the one Moore does, wouldnâ€™t you at least be a bit dubious? Not these guards though. I suppose you have to remember, this was 1983. The internet didnâ€™t exist then, so they had to get their eyeful when they could.
While the guards are both checking out the thigh, Bond yanks their parachutes and they fly off the back of the van. This is a tactic Bond quite likes; he does it to Greaves at the end of Die Another Day. And to himself in The Living Daylights. Iâ€™m beginning to wonder if Die Another Day actually takes place in Bondâ€™s head while heâ€™s being tortured, and just consists of memories of what happened here. Die Another Day has that whole weird bit with the robotic suit in it at the end. And Madonna. That must have been a nightmare, surely?
Thereâ€™s an awful bit of acting from one of the guards as his parachute goes off. In the screenshot below, you might think that Iâ€™ve picked an unflattering shot. I havenâ€™t, he does this on screen for several seconds. Given that this is the one thing this actor has to do, youâ€™d think theyâ€™d have been able to cast someone who was actually able to act â€œover balancingâ€. This guy looks like heâ€™s been told to act like a Gerry Anderson puppet. Hereâ€™s a fun game to play at home: shout, â€œPretend you donâ€™t have any elbows!â€ at the screen and itâ€™s as if youâ€™re the director.
Bond inexplicably climbs into the horse carriage and we discover, to our shock, that the fake looking horsetail that we havenâ€™t seen move belongs to a fake horse. Iâ€™ve discussed the â€œphilosophyâ€ of the Bond pre-credit teaser a few times now (if you can call it a â€œphilosophyâ€. Which I do). Part of the pleasure is the unexpected or original set of events. This sequence is a solid pre-credit sequence affair; the tiny plane is quite a nice twist.
Special mention, I think, should go to the Cuban general who calls for backup while pointing madly at the plane. Maybe he thinks heâ€™s Skyping his headquarters. Theyâ€™re probably not allowed to use Skype in the Cuban army, though, because itâ€™s made by the decadent Americans.
Bondâ€™s plane, meanwhile, is targeted by a ground to air missile. Thereâ€™s a protracted sequence where Bond does a number of impressive, but ineffectual stunts. Does going upside down really help you against a missile? Or going under a bridge?
The final section when Bond flies through the barn is genuinely impressive though. Itâ€™s all the more so when you realise that they did fly a real plane into a barn.
Veteran Hollywood stunt pilot and aerial coordinator J.W. "Corkey" Fornof, who in 1983 piloted a tiny BD-5 jet through an open hangar at more than 150 miles an hour for the James Bond movie "Octopussy," lamented that, today, few directors would consider such a stunt. "They'd just whip it up in a computer lab," he said.
Admittedly, the shot inside the barn is a bit of trickery, with the jet on a pole attached to an old Jaguar. You can even see the pole if you look carefully.
The missile blows up the barn and inexplicably, that seems to mean Bond can get away. Iâ€™m not quite sure why. Didnâ€™t we just see a whole military base there? And the ground to air missiles were certainly outside the barn. I guess they only had one.
Strangely, Bond is out of fuel already. Having that missile fired at him might have saved his life. Heâ€™d never have got all the way to Miami on that little petrol. Heâ€™d would have crashed helplessly into the sea. Q branch have taken their eye off the ball.
Bond lands and, in a typical bit of Moore silliness, cruises up to a petrol station, leans out and says â€œFill her up, please?â€ He doesnâ€™t even say with what. If they put diesel in it and it takes petrol, he can kiss goodbye to escaping.
John Glen, rather sensibly, planned to cut this line. But then he watched the trailer (which had the line in it) in a cinema and after seeing how well it went down with the audience, decided to keep it. Just another reason why you shouldnâ€™t pay attention to what people say. People are idiots.
Name Rank and Number
I think he got the Point
- Carina, the woman who sticks Bondâ€™s fake moustache on, calls him â€œJamesâ€.
Do all those vodka martinis silence the screams of all the men you've killed?
- â€Sounds like a load of bull,â€ Bond says of Toro, the name of the captain heâ€™s impersonating.
- When heâ€™s caught, he immediately says, â€œItâ€™s a small world, youâ€™re a Toro tooâ€. Mooreâ€™s delivery of this line is flat. Not that I want him to camp it up anymore, but he could have put a bit more into it.
- Thereâ€™s no mention of â€œlarge cigar shaped objectsâ€. Bit of a missed opportunity that, really
Listen Carefully 007
- I assume the karate chop doesnâ€™t kill the mechanic, but itâ€™s the Carotid Sinus Reflex, so you never know.
- The missile blows up the building and everyone inside. As well as Toro, itâ€™s probably at least a dozen men. itâ€™s debatable whether this is Bondâ€™s fault though; after all, he didnâ€™t fire the missile.
Perfect for relaxing after a hard day at the office
- Carina is clearly feeding Bond intelligence. He comments that there were more guards than he was expecting
SP will returnâ€¦
- Probably the most impressive gadget from Q branch is Bondâ€™s hat, which is a flat cap one way, but magically turns into a large and much more sturdy hat when turned inside out.
- His reversible jacket is pretty impressive too.
- Bondâ€™s other gadget is a tiny plane inside the back of a fake horse cart. With a fake horseâ€™s bum. You know what they say about pony tails. You lift them up and thereâ€™s an arsehole underneathâ€¦